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| "Where does your allegiance lie soldier?"
"My allegiance lies with myself. As always has."
"You yield to no one?"
"I am my own man."
"Nay. That is not truth."
"But I wish it were so."
"In truth you are too weak to yield."
"Your illumination crushes my soul and all I have ever wanted to believe. How could you know?"
"You forget that I am you."
Random Lesson of the Day:
It's crushing to have someone not show you any grace and corner you when you display a character flaw. I'm sure it was obvious to the rest. But everyone else except them were gracious enough to let me be.
In masking the force of their blow to my very face which I definitely felt, I had to treat like I couldn't feel their daggers and use a cover line even though my cover was blown.
It wasn't necessary of them. I already feel shame enough of myself. I worry enough of my image that it shatters me every time I let slip a flaw. And now they embarrass me even more.
I have made a promise to myself I hope I can keep regarding this character flaw. I must bite my own tongue and tame my pride the next time I feel the urge coming on.
But that does not take away the bitter taste of the experience.
Besides having been forced to learn more about my flaw through this experience, they have also reinforced what I already know. Venom does nothing but kill. It will not improve a situation, nor a person for the better.
Your friend with that one trait you hate will not change because you had to unleash your venom to satiate your irritability when he did "it" again. But your relationship will. Your malice serves no purpose in improving him nor the situation, but only to satiate a selfish urge to lash out. Very much like deliberate provocation in an argument. Maybe you feel satisfied when you successfully irritate the other party, but such small-mindedness achieves nothing except the disruption of communication channels.
It kills others. It kills your relationships. And your own soul becomes a poisonous well of intolerance and hatred from which nothing life-giving can emanate. You become a bitter and venomous person. Most importantly, it is you yourself who are going to live with your venom.
Along with my pride, I too, must learn to give up my sac of venom.
If Ah Pek has a burning hate against the Japs, who's soul withers?
And then are the Japs any worse off?
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| I can't lie that I sorrowful over what I did, but I'm not glad either. I worry because what I feel is an un-emotive "I shouldn't have". There is no deluge of emotions even though I'm very disappointed with myself, that after so many months or even years of holding back, I willingly lashed out at her with a slap to the face today. It wasn't even a moment of unguardedness where I lost control. I wasn't even boiling over or hopping mad. I just pictured in my mind slapping her to stop her motor-mouth, and followed through.
But damn it the shame and hating my damn proud self becomes more real as I type this out. The way I am a good-for-nothing woman beater, How I disrespect my mother and rub in their weaknesses instead lending a quiet support, How I look down on the very same people that raised me.
I don't believe it. I'm shedding tears as I write these. My shame at myself is even more intense than I thought it was. I very much want to change all my responses from now on. It looks an impossible task. It's manifest in so many aspects of my life I can't even wrap my mind around them. I must not impose on my parents again.
But I'm glad that it played out the way it did today. I threw the first slap and she retaliated nicely. I'm very glad she retaliated and very glad I took more damage than she did and I'm very relieved that it wasn't just a one slap incident which she would take quietly and fume for days afterwards whether or not I apologized. Because I'm sure if it was that, she would never have opened herself to dialog, and the message would never have gone through.
But she hit back very well and I took a beating from her. At least afterwards, it was easy to apologize and give her the satisfaction by telling her she kicked me real good. At least afterwards she would be satisfied enough with her sweet victory plus with me lowering myself to apologize and admit I got beat and I deserved it for hitting first. At least she'd finally pipe down and blank her mind long enough from thinking up a retort to really hear what we're trying to convey.
I hope the message got through. I really wish she'd see how difficult and useless to everyone she's become over the months. How every one of us just gives up getting through to her. How we're all getting frustrated by her behaviour.
One very harsh lesson she'll learn soon enough is that unlike what she thinks she's entitled to, her opinions really don't matter. Nobody is interested in hearing you out. Most especially if all you're doing is justify.
In a way, I'm glad it played out this way. Else, this episode of frustration would not have been given closure and would have resurfaced sometime in the future.
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| Being a witnessing Christian is not an easy thing. Being an asshole Christian trying to witness and being fully aware of the irony is even worse on my psyche. Inviting them to church and knowing one day they'll be pointing fingers and then leaving the church because of me, God... Again, yesterday and today, I'm reminded of these things that make me hate what I see in the mirror. If I continue being unable to block this guilt or accept the capitalist system, my mental, emotional and moral well-being will fray.
And this entry is to serve to remind yourself dumbass lest you forget what happened yesterday. You stopped short of inviting her to church or sharing Christ with her all the way because you were afraid that you would bump into her 1 month after she accepts Christ in FGA, after she finds out that she's being axed, all because of your subterfuge.
You withheld salvation from someone because you could not face them with a clear conscience. You knew something that they didn't. And the guilt made you withhold God's invitation to her.
Remember your initial shock and remorse and lump that formed in your throat when you thought Mee Yen's brother also worked for the company? Remember her and Wong Shyun Yoong's hospitality to you?
God. The world is not egalitarian and the system oppresses the suppressed. Why do I work within such a system and even enforce it? Why am I given predatory powers? Is it wrong to make such decisions or is it really OK to just say business is business and God loves the shrewed? Just to deliver value to the client and make him richer, is money not filetering down to all levels of society anymore but being hoarded by the shareholding few, and I'm expediating it and joining in even? Will workers forever be at the mercy of people who've never seen a day of hardship?
If only the sales team were bad people with bad attitudes and lazy work habits. It would be so much easier for me. If only they were from well-to-do backgrounds.
I really hope that I get the job and manage to deliver bottomline and get a good salary package in return. But I pray even harder that you take care of those out-going sales people and their families. I wish you would make good on your promise to lift the heads of the oppressed and the meek and trample proud shits that I hope I can prevent myself from turning into.
The guilt is killing me.
I really hate it that I'm placed in a world of abundance and comfort where education is expected and RM50 haircuts are the norm. Even so, I don't wish to be put in place of the Africans. I wish the Africans had what I had.
God. The world shouldn't be like this at all.
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| So many things have happened and are happening. May he be the same person I know when he comes to. It's weird 'cos I don't really know him, yet I still feel a sense of loss even before we know how thing are going to turn out.
How things are moving and changing. Everybody's growing up. Everybody's moving away. How I wish I could freeze frame time and cause things to pause the way I like. God I still feel as raw as ever. I'm going to miss them.
3 weeks is a short time, and I surprise myself at how fearful I am. I guess I'm afraid 'cos it does surface my lonely floor.
Everything is moving so fast around me, but not fast enough to make me forget how things were yesterday.
Things are going to be monumentally different when she comes back 3 months later. One less source of income, but probably the same stinky abode I'm hoping to disappear from.
Do you ever get the feeling you never do enough for the people around you? It kills my soul because I'm still not doing enough.
To Paul's speedy problem-free recovery.
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| So many of my flaws surfaced over the past month. Embarrassing.
Why am I not surprised to find I'm selfish and survivalist with really
zero regard for others and no sympathy or natural empathy for others?
Let's see what I mutate/blossom into 6 months into life. Apart from God
I am nothing, but with God, I see somebody scheming, manipulative,
individualistic, angry and proud. I hate that.
May I be the least among men.
Keep running the race.
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